Process Above Everything Else

A reminder for myself

I’m writing this to remind myself to focus on the process. It’s always about the process!

When working with clients in the art studio, it’s practically never all about what they’ve drawn. Maybe they’ve created a truly stunning image of how it feels to be in their unique human body; and an observer would never know that’s the story they are trying to tell.

Maybe they struggled at first with how to portray their story. Perhaps they drew a stick figure, sighed deeply, and angrily scribbled it to oblivion before starting on a fresh piece of paper. Maybe they hated this first creation- not as visually stunning as what they will eventually create; but just maybe it also tells a very important story.

The story of a perfectionist, who faces their own limitations with self-criticism and self-hated. The anger they feel when their insecurity wells up. Their silent wish to disappear and begin anew.

As the person witnessing them, I hear and feel their experience. Even as they grab a fresh page and opt to drip various water colors in seemingly random blobs across the page rather than attempting to draw the human form again. They may look lighter now, more playful. And they may tell me what the different colors represent. Yes their image of what it feels like to be them, may look like nothing but colorful blobs, casually gifted to the page; stunning to anyone taking the time to observe or hear their process and reflections.

Writing my book has been a three year undertaking, that really began eleven years ago. It is the sum of my experiences as an NPE and counselling therapist to date. I crumpled up many a page; judging myself sometimes harshly as I came face to face with my fallibility. I shifted my focus to writing about what happened inside of me, rather than simply telling the story of what happened to me. (Thanks Gabor Mate.) This too felt a little like dropping colorful blobs on a page that I hoped others would understand.

I invited others in the NPE, LDA, and DCP community to write also. I gave them very little direction. I wanted their organic blobs of colors too. I knew I wouldn’t be able to publish all of them, but publishing them is an outcome, not a process. I hoped my invitation would encourage people to write. To pour it out onto a page, and to be witnessed- primarily by themself. I hoped they would feel proud of their courage, and an increased ability to self-reflect.

Of course artists get caught up anticipating their work being seen; the mix of feelings arise about the desire to be witnessed, seen, and understood, and the fear that this witnessing might instead lead to misunderstanding, judgment, or ruptures in relationships. Yet people wrote, and shared with me courageously, and I hope the process was helpful.

With every edit, I have watched my feelings change over these three years. Isn’t that the magic of writing? We get to witness and track our own beautiful process over time. And with every edit, I’ve tried to ensure that I don’t change the feelings I’ve recorded. I might read a sentence and feel ashamed by my anger, but I try to focus on my grammar instead, because someone will need to read my anger to feel less alone; they will nod and hopefully not let shame take over.

Then I realized my mom HAD to read my draft. I couldn’t publish it without her review… I mean, I could, but I wouldn’t feel right about it. This realization felt terrifying. I’ve been sending it to her, chapter by chapter, and we’ve been having the important conversations because of it. She is hearing and understanding things that I don’t think she could have otherwise. These are the conversations that won’t be captured in the book; again this is why I remind myself it’s always: PROCESS OVER OUTCOME.

So as I prepare to publish, I remind myself of this fact. The physical book is the outcome, it’s a product that I hope will help people heal and feel a sense of belonging; but the process of creating the book has been an incredible journey in itself.

I hope you all resonate with my organic colorful blobs of color on the page!

With you~ M